


If I hurt you enough

by SatineScarlett



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2020-07-10 10:57:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19904626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SatineScarlett/pseuds/SatineScarlett
Summary: They are at this point where they might not find a way back to each other.Two years after making the biggest mistake of her life, Tessa makes a phone call to the man she once called her best friend.





	1. Tonight and Tomorrow

Tonight

The part of her life that feels like her own forever starts with a phone call. 

One she makes in front of the beach, sitting on the porch of her family cabin. He answers, because of course he does, but she can tell it costs him. For a split second, she thinks about doing what she always does: putting him first. She listens to his breathing, to the way he said her name when he picked up the phone, to his not so subtle pleading. He is asking her not to say it. To keep it to herself and not sabotage the work they did on them for the past year. Don’t break the status quo Tessa. That’s what he’s screaming trough each and every one of his silence. She doesn’t know if it’s the beach, the wine, the wind, her sister and two best friends sitting inside, ready to pick her up if the answer is not what she hopes for, but she decides to tell him the truth. I’m tired of being unhappy. 

“Tess?” 

“Hey. Is it a good time for you? Can we talk?” She means are you alone and he gets it. 

“Yeah. I’m outside.” So, no, he’s not alone. She’s there, inside of what she and Scott must call their home. “Where are you in the world stranger?” he adds with a smile in his voice. He must think he’s being funny and light, but it stings anyway. 

“I’m at the cottage.” 

“Oh. I almost thought you didn’t have a Canadian citizenship anymore.” Another joke. Heavier that one. 

“Jordan convinced me to give the old Canada day tradition a try. I think she believed the nostalgia of it all would convince me to stay.”

“Did it work?” 

“Well, it wasn’t exactly like before, was it?” 

If his silence is any indication, he thinks she took it too far. Waiting after the fifth glass of wine to call was a brilliant idea because she can’t seem to regret it. She’s tired of the small talk. They never used to stay on the surface before and now it’s all they do. It’s better than no talking at all, though. She felt a rush of adrenaline when he answered her call. That’s how certain she was that he was not going to pick up the phone. She was ready to leave a voicemail (or hang up if she’s being completely honest with herself), but he did answer, and it wasn’t his voicemail, it was him saying her name and it was good and there she is, hurting him with an accusation he doesn’t deserve. 

“It’s not like anyone invited me.”

“Jordan invited your mom.”

“Yeah. She was happy about that. She didn’t expect it. I guess she thought it would be weird…” She cuts him off because the idea that Scott or Alma could think that the woman who practically raised her would not be welcomed at her family cabin hurts her too much to even hear. 

“Why? I love your mom, you know that.”

“I was going to say weird for her to go without me.” 

“You could have come too. You used to come.” 

Another defining silence. She wonders if he regrets picking up the phone. In a flash she thinks that they used to laugh together. She can’t even remember the feeling. The feeling of being carefree around him. To not be insulted by every little thing he says and vice versa. She also used to be able to make him laugh with his whole body. She loved to surprise him. To whisper something to him that he did not expect. He often told her that he was lucky to know that side of her, to be the one on the receiving end of her best jokes. Maybe they didn’t laugh as much towards the end, but it was fine, they were sharing bigger, more intense stuff and by wanting to go back to the bubbly and uncomplicated relationship they once shared, she lost it all. The fun and the intensity. The friendship and the love. All that’s left are his silences and her blaming him for something he had no say in. 

“Like I said, it’s not like anyone invited me. And also, how was it possible for me to guess that you were coming home for this? It’s not like you were there for Christmas or Easter or my birthday or yours or my mom’s. Don’t blame me for skipping out on our traditions, you’re the one who decided to not be a part of those anymore.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t call to fight. I don’t want to fight with you.” 

“That’s what you said a year ago and look where we are now. Why were you calling then?”

“I…”

“Tess. It’s late, don’t say something you don’t mean and we’re both going to have to live with tomorrow.”

“I’m tired of being unhappy.” 

Tomorrow

In the morning, Tessa wakes up with the biggest hangover she’s had in the last five years. The most difficult part is probably the fact that the last time, she at least had Scott waiting for her in the kitchen, cooking her breakfast and holding her hair afterwards while she threw it all up. This time, she’s sure she’s alone in the house since the Canada day tradition usually includes a brunch at one of the only restaurants in the village. Everybody is probably going home directly from the restaurant and she’s thankful for the peace and quiet.

Yesterday was a lot for her and even though she kind of feels bad for skipping out on part of the event, she knows she has to take baby steps. 

Downstairs, she finds a note from Jordan, thanking her for coming, wishing her a fast recovery and telling her she’s going straight back to the city after breakfast to check up on her cat. Tessa smiles at that, knowing Jordan’s maternal instinct it dangerously close to none. She’s impressed with her for keeping a cat alive for almost a full year. She also wonders if Jordan took in a rescue cat to fulfill a void in her life. 

Perhaps the void Tessa left when she moved away. 

She and Jordan used to be extremely close, they still are, but she’s not an idiot, she knows Scott wasn’t the only one who got hurt by her sudden need to live a new life. She shakes the thought to avoid the heartache that usually follows any reminiscing of what she had done two years ago. 

She serves herself a glass of water, fills it up with ice and goes to the backyard where she lies on one of the lounging chairs. The sun hurts her eyes even if they’re closed but she stays in place, punishing herself for the terrible idea that was her phone call to Scott. She kind of worries that she’s getting sunburned, but she can’t move, her limbs and her minds are just too heavy for any other kind of activities. She tries to not think about what Scott must be doing right now. It’s still early enough, he could be lying in bed with his girlfriend still, they could be having lazy morning sex, they could be talking about Tessa’s phone call, him reassuring her that it didn’t mean anything, he could be out for a run, having the need to clear his thoughts, he could be at breakfast with his girlfriend and his family, Alma laughing at the ridiculousness that was Jordan’s invitation. She knows the last possibility is probably not true, Alma being the sweet person that she is, but she doesn’t think any of the other mental images are any better. Tessa puts her hand over her eyes and starts to doze off, her brain filled with Scott having sex with someone that isn’t her, Scott kissing that same someone that isn’t her on the neck, Scott holding hands with someone’s that isn’t her, Scott saying I love you to someone that isn’t her the same way he used to say it to her, looking straight into her eyes, not blinking, waiting for her to meet his eyes, never impatient, never demanding, just waiting for her to be ready for the connection, for her to let go and not be scared of the moment. That’s when the images in her head change and the girl is not someone that isn’t her anymore, it’s her and they are making love like they used to, it’s her making him moan, it’s her holding his hand, their fingers forcefully intertwined, her other hand on his bicep, his other hand on her stomach. She forces her eyes to open to escape this world that isn’t hers anymore. Specially after last night. If there was any doubt before that they were maybe going to find their way back to each other, it really is over now. 

It might be for the best. Now she can go back to New York, to a life where she is not happy but where she’s at least at peace. With nobody that knows her in that way that hurts her stomach. She’s going back in two days and she can honestly say she almost feels content about it. She loves her apartment, she has a few friends both at work and at the studio where she dances two times a week, she’s not lonely, she dates a little, she found a (very good) job in one week when she first arrived. Really, she can’t complain. Three days ago, when she drove from the Toronto airport to the cabin in a rental car, the pain of being remembered of what she said no to and left behind was enough to comfort her in her certitude that she could not have stayed. Not after what she had done, not after seeing his face when she said no. 

Tessa spends most of the morning oscillating between confusing dreams and awake torture partially because she is curing the world’s worst hangover and partially because having regrets takes a toll on her ability to do any productive things right now. 

She’s half asleep when she begins to hear hard incessant knocking on her backyard door. At first, she thinks they’re part of her dream, but she’s forced to admit that someone’s there when she hears her name being called. Loudly and a little angrily. By a man she hasn’t seen in person for the past eight months. 

“Come on Tess, Jordan told me you were here when you didn’t pick up the phone. I can see you back there, open up!” 

She stands up, goes to the door and opens it from the inside. Scott is there. He’s dressed in a long-sleeved shirt, the one from his dad’s skate shop that she knows better than any of her own pieces of clothes. He is tanned like he always is in the summer and she tries not to let her mind wonder to the images of him on the beach with his girl, tanning, drinking, kissing. His hair is just past the short stage and if she’s being honest with herself, she can admit that he kind of takes her breath away. She doesn’t want to smile because she doesn’t think she deserves to have him smiling back, but she does it anyway. She can’t control it. Above anything else, she is happy to see him, and she cannot deny how much she missed him. All of him. And every sides of their relationship. He smiles back and it’s too much. She starts crying without being able to control it and he gathers her in his arms like it’s the most natural thing in the world, like she isn’t his least favorite person of all time right now. 

“What are you doing here?” She says it through her tears and he starts to stroke her hair when he hears her shaky voice. It makes her think of the sweet little boy he was and how he still is the same while she became a bitter, straight up bad person. It makes her cry harder. 

Tonight

Tessa’s laughing harder then she has in the past few years. She has friends in New York, but they just don’t compare to those wonderful women who’ve known her forever. 

“I swear, he changed his Instagram bio the second I left his place, there is no way it wasn’t about me”. Midori is telling THE most ridiculous story Tessa’s ever heard and she is here for it. She’s been trying to take a sip of her wine for the past five minutes, but she just can’t, she’s laughing too hard. Jordan and Ally are piled up on one another, laughing and holding on to each other for dear life and it’s making her laugh even harder. 

At this precise moment, Tessa’s happy. It never used to be an accomplishment or something she would notice, but she’s forced to admit that she hasn’t felt like that for a long time. She’s mad at herself for forgetting that even though she had destroyed a big part of her life, she didn’t need to cut everybody off. She could have been a better friend to the ones she still had in her life. She knows it made sense to her back then but right now she doesn’t remember why she thought she needed to leave everyone behind just because she had hurt Scott. If she listens carefully enough to the little voice inside her head, she knows it’s because she couldn’t stand to see the disappointment in the eyes of the people she loved the most. 

“What was the exact bio again?” Jordan asks too loudly while she tries to control her laughing. 

“He wrote: I’m happy I finally saw a unicorn.” 

“And you’re SURE he was talking about you?” 

“Jord, I have a unicorn tattooed on my ass, OF COURSE he was talking about me.” With that, Tessa’s wine comes spitting out of her nose, but it’s worth it. 

“The guy changed his bio the second you left his place to subtly hint at your ass tattoo…This is just too good. What did you do to the poor guy for him to fall in love this quickly ?!?!” 

Tessa opens up her Instagram to try and find the guy Midori’s talking about and it’s right there for her to see, with no trigger warning whatsoever. A picture of Scott and his girlfriend that she posted two hours ago. Tessa stops laughing so fast it almost hurts. She’s scared to look at the caption, but she can’t help herself. For the past year and a half, since he started seriously dating this nice, beautiful, smart girl, she’s been afraid to find out by Instagram that they’re engaged or worst (she can’t even think the words waiting for a baby). She knows a Canada day proposal is just the style of the sappy Scott she was (was, was, was) in love with. The caption only reads: No need for fireworks when you’re with this guy. They are not engaged then. Not yet. They do look happy and in love though and that’s enough to ruin Tessa’s night. 

Her brothers, their wives, the kids, some of her cousins and the rest of the party is all outside while she’s sitting on the floor of the living room with her sister and two of their best friends from college. She’s tipsy, on the verge of drunk, but it’s not why she says it. 

“I’m going to call Scott.” 

The girls stop talking and laughing. They’re all looking at her with a mix of pity and sadness on their faces. 

“Sweetie what are you saying?” Midori asks softly. 

“I want to talk to him. I’m with you guys and it’s the first time I feel happy in two years.” They all reach out for her, but she stays at a good distance. “I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I did what I did, and I want to take full responsibility for it, but I want to talk to him.” 

“Don’t you feel like he deserves to live his life peacefully without you disturbing it?” Her sister says it with all the love in the world, without a hint of meanness, but it still feels like a jab to the heart. 

“But I never said I was sorry. We never talked. He doesn’t even know that I love him. Loved him.” 

“But do you want to say sorry for him to move on or for you to feel better? Because I think if it’s not for him, maybe you should not call. He hasn’t taken all of it very well Tessie. It was hard for him.” 

“You don’t think it was hard for me?”

“We all know how hard it was for you, nobody’s denying that.” They’re all so nice to her when she feels they should be yelling at her. They’re right to try and protect Scott from her. She’s not a good person and she’s done enough. She knows it. 

“Tess. If you want to call, you should. Because soon, it’s not even going to be worth saying it. But don’t do it because you’re tipsy or because you feel lonely or because of that cheesy, nauseating picture they just posted. Do it only if you mean it. Because even though it’s Scott, I don’t think he has a lot left to give you.” She’s not surprised to hear this from Ally. Of all her friends, she’s the one who took her departure the hardest. She’s the only one who tried to make her change her mind, the only one who tried and talk to Scott, to get him to forgive her or at least make her understand that she didn’t need to put an entire country between them. She looks into her eyes and she sees the same determination from two years ago. Her friend thinks she should grow up, own up to what she did, talk to Scott, make him fall back in love with her and marry him already. The last part is maybe far-fetched, but she thinks she has to manage the first three steps : grow up, take responsibility and talk to Scott. For a multitude of reasons, she feels like it needs to happen tonight. It used to be their day, she can’t stop thinking about it and tomorrow she might choke and go back to New York without having done it. 

“Go Tess. We’ll be here with an insane amount of wine if it doesn’t go smoothly.” 

Tomorrow 

She looks up at him after she asks him what he’s doing here. What she sees in his eyes scares her a little bit, but what comes next is way worst. 

“I came to finish our conversation in person because I would like to live the next fifty years without you calling me half-drunk at midnight to ruin the life I’m trying to make for myself.”


	2. They had to get together to break each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How they first became a thing 4 years ago

4 years before today

“You said we were going for an EASY after-breakfast-post-hangover-feeling-like-crap run. Do you have to go so fast?” 

“I’m not even running! We’re literally walking around the block. It’s not my fault you drank the entire bottle of gin by yourself. Nobody told you to go that hard.” 

“It’s a million degrees, we should go back and swim. Tessa come on, wait for me.” 

She starts to run backwards so she can look at him be a whiny baby. As soon as she turns around, she has to stop completely because he just looks too ridiculous. She’s so far ahead of him that he has to yell for her to understand him. He apparently took his hoodie off at some point and turned it into something resembling of a hat. He obviously went out of the house wearing nothing but his old skate shop hoodie because he’s now shirtless in the middle of the street. He has a hand on his chest like he’s on the verge of having some kind of heart attack and it looks like something’s wrong with his left leg. She erupts in laughter the second she sees his attire and it doesn’t seem to please him. 

It’s fine, he deserves it after last night. 

“Don’t laugh at me Tess it’s not funny.” He’s still yelling even though the distance between them is starting to diminish. 

“It’s the funniest. I’m taking so many mental pictures right now, you have no idea.” 

“Erase them all. You don’t have my authorization for any of those.” 

“Can’t stop, sorry. I’m adding them to the file of the ones I have of yesterday. You, naked with the Canadian flag. You, naked on the beach. You, naked and crying because you’re cold. You, making a pass at my cousin. At least you were dressed for that one. You, puking in my bedroom plant. And so many pictures of you randomly falling on the floor. Those are probably the best ones I have.” 

She’s proud of the way she kept her teasing tone for the entirety of her speech, but it doesn’t look like he bought it since he stopped moving towards her when she got to THAT part. The part they haven’t talked about the night before. Or at breakfast with the rest of the gang. Or when they took a nap in her bed in the morning. Or when they decided to go for a run. They haven’t talked about it. 

“Nice way to bring up the topic Tess. Subtle.”

“I wasn’t trying to be.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

She takes a step back when he gets too close. Not their usual too close, the we’re-about-to-have-a-conversation-I-don’t-want-to-have-so-stay-far-please too close. Right now, five small elephants could fit comfortably between them. If they weren’t about to have the most mortifying conversation in the history of the world, she would let him get close to the point where his smell would get confusing. Close to the point where his naked chest would radiate so much heat that she would feel it go through her own skin. Close to the point where it would be easy for her to just put her hand on his heart and let him put one of his on the back of her leg, just below her ass. It’s what’s comfortable for them. Not this new talking to each other standing ten feet apart thing. 

“Talk about what? You being naked all night yesterday? Yes, it was hard for everybody.”

“Don’t do that.”

He takes a small step towards her and she takes three steps back. 

“Oh, you and my cousin, you mean. Well, she’s nice, I like her. And I like you. You would make a sweet couple. I guess I could still be her maid of honor, even though it would feel kind of weird not being on your side of things. I guess it could work. Or, I could just officiate the ceremony. No. That might be too much, and she might want our grand-father to do it. Yes, that’s probably more likely. Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself you’ll go on a first date before that. When will that be? You know, I thought about it before, you dating somebody in my family. When we were little, I thought it would be cool if you married Jordan. Then we could all live in the same house together, be one big family. I thought about it less when we grew up, but this is some version of that, it’s nice. I’m on board with it.” 

“That’s a lot of information to get in 30 seconds.” 

“You asked if I wanted to talk about it. This is talking.” 

He has the audacity to give her a fond smile at that moment and if she were standing closer to him she would punch him on the shoulder. Hard. Not playfully. 

“This is not talking Tessa, you’re speaking nonsense. You’re fine with me marrying Jordan?”

“Okay. Maybe not Jordan, that would be weird.”

“Why?”

“Why am I the one answering questions here? You’re the one who hooked up with my cousin. How was it? Are you seeing her again? Do you like her? Was this a thing I wasn’t aware of before last night? Those are the important questions. And I don’t want to talk about you marrying Jordan anymore.”

“You brought it up!”

“I take it back!” 

“Just come here, I don’t want to be yelling at you in the middle of the street.” 

Scott holds a hand out for her and patiently waits for her to come closer and grab it. She looks anywhere but at him while she slowly walks towards him. When she reaches his hand, she holds on to his pinky only, with the weakest hold she can manage. Baby steps. He doesn’t try to force her to interlace their fingers, he just lets their hands hang together, touching, but not really holding. 

“I’m going to say stuff now. I’m sorry if it’s too much or if I cross a line, but I feel like some things need to be said. Is that okay with you?” 

She looks around them for a little bit. The street is empty, the sun is shining too much and it’s starting to hurt her head. She needs a glass of water badly and she would prefer to go back to the cottage and swing in the lake with him. She wants last night to disappear, she wants to ignore the pain she felt when she saw him with Claudia, she wants to never feel a pain remotely close to that again and she wants things to go back to what they were before that. She wants to go back to the weird limbo, to the unsaid and the tension. She’s good at that. She’s good at pretending and flirting and loving and laughing. Now, his stupid drunk ass ruined it all for them. They have to talk about it. 

“Yes, it’s fine.”

“I’m not interested in Claudia. First, she’s your cousin so it would be the weirdest thing in the whole world. Something close to incest. Second, she looks too much like you. Same goes for Jordan, by the way, but even weirder. Third, she’s in love with her ex and that’s what we were talking about when SHE made a confusing pass at me. I responded for three seconds because I was the drunkest drunk of them all, but even with that many Gin and Tonic in me, it felt wrong. She apologized to me, I apologized to her and that was that.”

Tessa would be lying to herself if she said she wasn’t relived. In her heart, she knew it had to be something like that. She never really thought that Scott would date her cousin, but at the same time she couldn’t help the racing of her mind and the scary places it went to.

“Tess?”

“Yeah.” 

“Are you going to say something or are we leaving it at that?”

“I think we should go swim. You’re right, it’s a million degrees, I need to take off this shirt. Maybe it’s my turn to be naked on the beach.” 

She tries to leave but this time he doesn’t let go of her hand. He’s usually the most patient person with her and he never forces her to do something she doesn’t want to do, so she knows she’s not getting away without giving him something. 

“I explained myself, now do I have the right to ask one question?”

“I want to say yes, but I know it’s going to be the worst question. I would prefer five easy one.”

“What did you feel when you thought I was making out with your cousin?”

“See! THE absolute worst question.”

“I already know the answer, Tess. But would it kill you to say it? What can happen exactly? We’re 25 and 27 years old, we’ve been friends for 20 years, we love each other, we’re done with our wild «hooking up with strangers just for fun» years, we’re the best at taking care of one another, I don’t think you’re risking anything by telling me how you feel.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. I’m risking you laughing at me and calling me with a bunch of your friends to break up with me over the phone, I’m risking you tearing up the Valentine I make you, I’m risking you losing your virginity to someone who isn’t me, I’m risking not having you on my couch every night. I’m risking a lot.”

“Okay, this list ends at me being 16 and stupid and feeling like you were not into me, so I get a free pass for losing my virginity to Jess who actually liked me. Also, grow up Tess. I haven’t dated anybody seriously for a while now and you haven’t either. The only thing about our relationship that would change would be us having sex. And don’t tell me that’s not something you want, I won’t believe you.” 

With that, he holds her wrist tighter and she flushes badly. 

"The only thing you need to do is tell me how you felt yesterday.” 

“I felt bad. Happy? It crushed me. I never felt so jealous or bad or sad or heartbroken before. There you go. What do we do now?”

To her surprise, he looks at her, wraps her in a hug and kisses the top of her head. 

“Gross Scott! You’re all sweaty and you stink.” 

She hugs him back nonetheless. Hard. 

“For now, we go back to the cottage, I’m going to hold your hand all the way, we take a swim, I cook dinner and then, we cuddle on the couch.”

“That’s it? But, that’s what we always do.”

“See? You weren’t risking anything. The only difference is that in three days, maybe four, I’m going to ask you to go out with me and I’m going to expect you to wear something nice, I’m going to do the same, we're going to talk about our jobs, your promotion, my students, our families and if I’m lucky at the end of the night, we might kiss. Baby steps.”

“And if I want to have sex tonight?” He drops her hand so fast it’s almost comical. She doesn’t laugh though. She might still be able to joke with him, but his speech left her with a weird feeling in her stomach. It’s nervousness, but it’s also the promise of something she’s wanted for a while. The permission to hold his hand a little bit longer, to kiss his shoulder when they’re walking, to wake him up in the middle of the night to touch him, to everything she pictured a thousand time in her head since she was old enough to understand what finding your person meant.

"Well, if it’s something you really want…"

"I was kidding you perv. " 

"Yeah, I know. But seriously Tess, are you with me? "

She knows this is it. 

He has been wanting to commit to her for a while now, she’s not dumb, she saw the changes in his behavior. He’s been there. He’s always been there, but lately, he’s been all in. Listening to her more intently, looking at her longer, holding on to her tighter. And it’s been good. It’s been everything and nothing at the same time. He’s still Scott, her Scott, but now he’s trying to offer her the reassurance that he’s always going to be there, that his love is real and deep, maybe deeper than ever. And she wants all of the things he wants, of course she does. She’s just a little less open with her heart. Because of her dad and everything her family went through with the divorce, but also because it’s who she is, who she always was even when they were kids. She always said one I love you for fifty of his, that’s how it is between them. He pulls and she pushes, but that doesn’t mean she loves him less than he loves her. She thinks he knows. If he has a superpower, it’s the ability to speak the secret language of her hidden heart. 

And this is it. He never asked her for much and now he only needs her to say yes. Yes to dinner, yes to dating, yes to kissing a little, yes to trying. 

"Yes."

He smiles the biggest of all smiles and she rolls her eyes. 

"Don’t overdo it, I’m not agreeing to put your penis in my mouth yet." 

"TESSA. Don’t ruin the moment. "

They start to walk back to the cottage, holding hands like he promised. She feels like she’s on top of the world and by the way he’s holding her hand, she guesses he feels the same. Surprising even herself, she takes his hand and brings it to her mouth to put the lightest of kisses on his palm. He looks at her like he’s the luckiest man in the world and she rolls her eyes again. She can get use to this, she thinks. Walking and kissing and finding him ridiculous. It was always meant to end up this way.

"It’s kind of underwhelming don’t you think? How simple it was to finally just talk about it?" 

"Yeah, if I had known, I would have kissed your cousin a long time ago." 

Without even looking at the face of sheer shock he pulled out of her, he starts racing and she goes after him, not stopping until she’s jumping on his back and he’s bringing her with him in the lake, with their clothes on and his weird hoodie-hat still on his head. 

4 years minus three weeks before today (Bonus making it official scene)

They are sitting on her couch, on an uneventful Tuesday evening. He's anxiously correcting he's students geometry exam and she's watching him, trying to pull his focus from the pages. He's obviously worried about his second grade students doing well and it's a little bit overwhelming to see. She got the good one. 

“How do you make this so easy? How did our world not implode with us admitting we have feelings for each other?”

He looks up at her with his glasses on his nose and smiles softly at her. 

“We’re already childhood friends who fell in love, we don’t need any bigger dramatics, Tess. We get to just be.”

“We get to just be. I like that.” She takes a deep breath. «And I like you. Like, like love.”

“I like, like love you too Tessa. Now let me correct those exams before we go to bed, I won't be able to sleep or do anything else without knowing if Kyle did better on this test. ” 

It’s that simple. With no explosion, with no big moments. They get to just be for a while.


	3. Tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart

1 year and four months before 

New York

Tessa is sitting on her balcony, an open book on her lap, looking at the view and enjoying a rare New York city summer breeze when her phone buzzes.

It’s one of those times. 

When you know without looking. She senses it in her bones and the most surprising part is how it doesn’t surprise her. She doesn’t find it as weird as she should that she can know it’s him messaging her even if they haven’t spoken a single word to each other in eight months. She takes a breath before looking at her phone. 

Scott: Hey. I’m in New York. 

This is the real surprise. He’s in New York. Why? To see her? To bring her home? To finally yell at her? No, it can’t be for her, he’s here for something else. Something she can’t guess because she doesn’t know what his life looks like. Not anymore. Her phone buzzes again before she can think about what to answer. 

Scott: I would like to see you. But not to talk. I want to see my friend and hang out with her in this cool new city of hers. Is this something you could be interested in? 

Her fingers start to type on their own. 

Tessa: Yes. 

Scott: Text me your address, I’ll bring coffee. 

After telling him where she lives, she starts getting ready as fast as she can. She wants to see him, has been craving it more than anything, missing him more than anyone, but at the same time she doesn’t know how she’s going to react when he arrives. She wants to look good, but she knows she doesn’t have the right to expect anything. Not as his friend and even less as his ex-girlfriend. She chooses to stay dressed like she is, she’s already wearing one of her favorite pair of jeans and she looks fine in her white t-shirt. She puts on mascara, puts her hair down and decides it’s enough. She cleans her already clean apartment and sits on her couch to wait, looking at nothing, her mind racing. 

He doesn’t want to talk. What does it mean? Maybe he’s forgiven her. It’s a long shot, she doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to do so, but maybe he’s decided they’re better as friends and wants them to reconnect. She’s a hot mess of emotions trying to comprehend how she would feel about that. Would she be able to just be his friend? Probably not the kind of friends they were before. Could she be her «normal» friend? A friend you go to dinner with once in a while. A friend you don’t touch. A friend you do small talk with. A friend who tells you about his wife and kids. She already knows the answer to this. No, she could not. But maybe that’s the price to pay for having him in her life after what she’s done. 

There’s a knock on the door before she has a chance to sort out her feelings. She closes her eyes for a second and stands up to open the door. On the other side of it is Scott. Her Scott. The person she loves the most in this whole entire world. He’s holding two cups of coffee. Like this is Ilderton and a casual Thursday morning they’re going to spend together. He’s standing there like nothing happened. Like they don’t have eight months of radio silence between them. Like the «no» and the betrayal don’t exist. Like the words «I slept with someone else last night» weren’t pronounced by one of them. 

He takes two steps towards her and hugs her tight. She hugs him back and it hurts how normal their hug is. He doesn’t put eight months of heartache in it, he doesn’t cling on to her like he’s drowning, he just hugs her like he’s happy to see her, as if they were still hanging out every night. They break apart and he’s smiling one of his best smiles. His cute childhood happy smile. She smiles back, forcing herself to mold her attitude to his. 

“I like your new place, kiddo.”

“Thanks. I like it too. It’s different” 

She cringes at herself for saying that. She wants to respect his desire to not talk about it, but she also wants to be careful to hurt his feelings as little as possible. 

His smile doesn’t drop though.

“You can say that. First, it has more than one Starbuck so yeah, it’s not Ilderton.” She smiles a little more at that, not ready to laugh with him yet, but loving him for trying to keep the mood light. “Can I come in? Get a grand tour?”

“Sure. Sorry. Come in!”

She guides him through her very small apartment. It’s not totally cozy yet, but she can honestly say she finally feels at home here. 

“It’s nice Tess, very you.” He’s looking at the pictures on her bedside table and she wishes she could have thought of taking them down while she waited for him. He picks up the picture of them she has there, between one of Jordan and her mom and one of her friends. She doesn’t have one with her new New York friends yet, but she’s starting to feel close to a couple of girls in her office and there is this guy in her dance class who has been flirting with her for a while. She has a life here. Her entire world isn’t pictured on that bedside table anymore. It hurts to realize it, but it also feels empowering. She looks at Scott studying his own face on the picture before putting it back there. Maybe he didn’t expect her to have any traces of him here. But she does. She cut him out of her life, she ran away, she left, but it doesn’t mean she forgot about him. She could not. She didn’t say yes to dinner with that guy either. Her heart is still in Canada and she’s enough of an emotionally smart person to not try to kid herself. She’s in love with the man standing right here beside her even if they don’t speak anymore. It’s not a sudden realization, she knows why she’s been crying almost every day for the past eight months, she’s not dumb. 

After looking around him one last time, maybe noticing one of his dad's skate shop hoodies sitting on her desk chair, he turns around and looks intently at her. He lost his smile, but his expression is still open. 

“I’m glad I got to see your place. I’ve been having a hard time picturing you in your new life. Now, I have the mental image of you reading in this comfortable chair or on your balcony.”

Her heart does a funny little thing when she hears him admitting to wanting to picture her in her new life. He thought about her. She knew that of course, but it’s nice to hear nonetheless. She expected him to push away any thoughts of her to avoid feeling angry or hurt. 

“Do you want to walk around the block? Show me your favorite spots? Maybe your office? I want to know what you’ve been up to.” 

She says yes to that and they go. They spend the day together like it’s the most normal thing in the world. She finds it weird at first, but she feels herself getting cut up in wanting to tell him everything like she used to. She talks about her dance class, her friends, her new job she loves, the coffee shop she goes to, the bench in the park she loves to sit on. And he listens. He listens so intently that she starts to believe again. She feels hope. They won’t get back together, she knows that, but maybe they can talk, maybe they can visit each other once in a while, maybe they can still attend the same family reunion. She feels hope and it’s hard to stop it and not get carried away. She asks him about his life. He doesn’t go into the specifics, but he tells her about his students and she gets to see his eyes light up. She tries to hold on to this image of him for later. When he goes and she misses him. 

They decide to eat dinner together and she brings him to a casual place she loves where they won’t feel out of place with their jeans and t-shirts. They laugh, they drink, they talk some more and by the end of her meal, she’s drunk on him. She loves him here. He fits in all the areas of her life, always have. She wonders, not for the first time, how she thought she could find this with someone else. That’s not exactly what happened, it was far more complex, she knows it. Her therapist would tell her to be kinder with herself. She had reasons, she’s not a bad person, she just handled a situation badly. Maybe Scott can’t forgive her, she doesn’t blame him, but she knows she has to forgive herself eventually. 

“Where did you go?”

“Somewhere far in my head, I’m sorry.”

He looks at her like he wants to ask. To ask what’s going on in her head and if he can be a part of it. She sees him deflate and put his head in his hands instead.

“I think I’m drunk. I should probably head back to the hotel, I have a plane to catch early tomorrow.”

“Yeah. We should get the bill. Today was fun, Scott.”

They both feel it, she knows. They’re on the verge of either talking about it or reaching for the other or leaving awkwardly and going their separate way again. She’s starting to panic a little. She doesn’t want to force anything he’s not ready for, but she kind of need some sort of reassurance that this was not their last day together in god knows how long. That’s why she takes the plunge. 

“We should do it again sometime. When I’m back in Canada, maybe”

“Maybe.”

“You don’t want to?”

“We’re going down a dangerous path, Tess. For now, I’m going to walk you to your place and hug you goodnight and we’ll at least be able to call today a success.”

“Okay.”

She bites her tongue to keep herself from crying. He stands up and goes to pay the bill. She should say she wants to pay for herself, but if she opens her mouth, the tears are going to fall. They walk next to each other in silence, the magic of today fading away, being replaced by a weird kind of tension.

When they reach her front door, they stand in front of each other for a while. She locks her eyes with him because she doesn’t know when she’s going to see him next. She doesn’t fight her tears anymore and she has about a million questions going through her head. Why today? Why did he want to see her? Did he find what he came searching for? He doesn’t look at peace like he did in the morning. He clearly wants to tell her stuff, but he seems set on respecting his promise not to talk about it. There’s also something else in his eyes, a more dangerous emotion she isn’t sure she wants to explore too much. 

He wants her. He can’t pretend otherwise, she knows him too well. While he’s visibly still hurt and fighting the urge to yell at her, he also wants her. It’s plain and simple, as clear as the moon, as clear as her own desire. He still wants her. She doesn’t know what to do with it, but she keeps looking and she tries to put her own feelings in her eyes. To make him see. Make him understand how much she misses him. All and every part of him. She wants him. She’ll always will, no matter what she did and how they end up, she’ll always want to be close to him and connect with him in that way. 

It’s hard to say who moves first or how long it takes for one of them to make the move, but one thing is certain, when they kiss, she knows it was inevitable. Maybe he didn’t come to New York with that in mind, but they both clearly needed it. They kiss in front of her front door for a while and when it gets too heated, she unlocks her door and he pushes her inside. From there, they pass through her apartment in a blur, touching at all time, making up for eight of the worst months of their lives. They kiss and it hurts, they touch and it burns, they breathe and they heal a little. They hold on to each other, they make love and it’s everything. Tessa knows it’s going to leave her broken in the morning, but she still tries to put as much love as she can in it, because she owes it to him. She never got to say sorry and with every moan, every trust, she tries to at least give everything she has to offer to him, all the love, all the grace, all the sorrow. They fall asleep together, heart and mind racing and if they both cry a little, they don’t talk about it. 

When she wakes up he’s gone like she knew he would be and it’s almost a relief. She got to have yesterday without talking about it and she knows she couldn’t afford the conversation. She’s not ready, she might never be, and it wouldn’t mend them anyway. 

She goes about her day as normally as she can, her mind and her house filled with Scott. She allows herself to wear his hoodie while she puts her bedsheets in the washing machine. She’s about to start making breakfast when he calls her. 

“Hey. I have to go catch my plane, but I have stuff to say before I go.”

“Okay.” She’s shaking. 

“I came to New York to see you. I had nothing to do there. The last eight months have been shit, Tess. I can’t even tell you how much. Last month, I decided it was time to start living again because visibly you weren’t going to come back home and apologize.” Going back home and apologizing. She never thought of it as an option. She just thought they were broken beyond repair. To imagine Scott curled up in bed waiting for her is more painful than words can describe. “So anyway, I started teaching again and I met someone. It’s not serious yet, but it could be, and I don’t want to be holding back because of you and the stuff we went through. I want a life, I want to be happy. And I think I needed to see you to let go. I’m happy I got to see your new life, Tess. I truly wish you the best, I hope you believe that. And I didn’t mean for us to sleep together, I just wanted us to have one fun day without all this baggage between us. I wanted to see my best friend and the life she created for herself. Anyway, I’m letting go, Tess. I’m not angry anymore, I’m not in search of answers you don’t want to give. I’m moving on. If you want to speak we can, if you want to text or call, I’m going to answer. It will never be the same, but I owe it to our friendship and to your mom to fight to keep you in my life. I want to at least know we can communicate if we need to. If you’re okay with it of course.” 

“Yes, I want you in my life too. In any way or form. And don’t apologize for last night, I wanted it.”

“Okay.” He pauses. “Nothing more to say?”

She considers it then. To apologize. To tell him to just wait. Wait for me at home, I’m going to take the next plane. Don’t move on just yet, don’t call back that girl you just met, wait for me in bed, I’m going to be right there with you, giving you all the answers you’ve been needing. I love you and I’m sorry, that’s what she should say. I loved you back then, I was just in a bad place. I should have explained it better. I should have make you understand how I was feeling instead of destroying everything we had built. I’m sorry and I love you. 

But she hesitates a little too long. 

“That’s what I thought. Have a good day Tessa, see you around.”

He hangs up and she cries. It’s the way it should be, him moving on and her miserable. She can take it. This way, he has a chance at happiness. 

He hangs up, but it’s just for now. It’s not a goodbye it’s a see you around. They start to speak a little. They text sometimes, he calls even less often, and she never does. They see each other once when she comes back to Canada. They go for coffee, he talks about his girl, she pretends it’s fine. They smile a lot, they don’t laugh, it is how it is. 

One year and four months later, on Canada day, she calls and she’s honest with him for the first time in a long time. 

“I’m tired of being unhappy.”


	4. It was the best before it was the worst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We don't exactly know what happened to them yet, but we're getting close !

Three years before

At night, the huge bay window of their hotel room offers the most impressive view of the Toronto skyline. 

Tessa isn’t the biggest fan of this city, it’s too loud, a little boring and lacking the cachet of cities like Montreal and New York where she feels more at home. Right now, though, she’s captivated by it. She’s sitting with her back to the headboard, her fingers stroking Scott’s hair gently while his head rests on her lap. It’s close to two in the morning and she has trouble sleeping. Unlike Scott who’s dead to the world, barely moving when she touches his face. 

It’s not the bad kind of insomnia. Her mind and body are at peace and have been this way for a while now. Scott’s head is heavy on her legs, but not on her soul. She wants him there. She can’t stop playing with his hair. She’s in love with him and she’s at peace with that too. They have been together for a year now and she hasn’t felt overwhelmed once. It’s unlike any relationship she’s had before, but it’s not life shattering either. When they were still just friends, she thought she would get consumed by him if they were to ever add romance to their relationship, but the transition had been surprisingly easy. He already was such an important part of her life, she was scared of making him her whole world and she’s relieved to find herself here a year later: still her own person. 

She had to come to Toronto for a job event and Scott had suggested tagging along and taking her out to dinner the next day for their anniversary. She had no choice but to make fun of him for using the term anniversary, but she was kind of excited to have him in Toronto with her, getting to show him off at her big event, knowing he would charm everybody there. And she was right, he was one of the stars of the night, not only with her colleagues, but also with the clients. He was funny, interested in everybody’s story, asking the right questions at the right time, always by her side when it mattered, but not needing her to take care of him while she made her rounds. After being his plus one to multiple events throughout their lives she was used to it, but it still made her heart swell to have people compliment her on having such an intelligent and good partner. 

In the cab ride back to their hotel she joked with him that he stole her thunder, but he didn’t laugh like she expected him to. He looked at her so intently she almost worried she’d hurt him in some way. He kissed her softly and whispered in her ear. 

“No one can steal your thunder, girl, not even me, the funniest and most charming guy in the entire world.” He laughed then, but when he pulled away to look at her, she could see he meant it. He thinks she’s the most brilliant person in the world and if she’s a little overwhelmed with how proud of him she feels for making an impression at an event that wasn’t even his to begin with, he feels the same about her. 

"Thank you for saying that, I love you."

“Look at you, turning into a bigger sap than me.” 

“Yeah, well it’s not my fault if you were great out there. I kept looking at you to make sure you were doing fine and every time I checked, someone was laughing at something you just said. And that woman at the end, I thought she was about to ask me if she could steal you from me for the night with how intently she was listening to you.” 

“Same for you. I told every person standing near me you were my girlfriend during your speech like some kind of lunatic. I was just so proud, you killed it out there.” 

“I love how we can still impress each other after all this time. I know how good you are with people, but it’s still amazing to see.” They shared a long kiss and the promise of later, in the privacy of their hotel room made her smile against his lips. 

They arrived at the hotel and went to the bar for one last glass of wine. They sat too close to each other, they kissed a lot and she kept one of her hand on his leg for the duration of their talk. They toasted to her success before going up to their room and making love. 

Scott fell asleep not long after and she’s here now, looking out the window and feeling content. It’s weird for her to feel this calm. She’s more used to wanting than having. Before, she was longing for Scott, fighting to make a name for herself in the marketing world, trying to keep her family together after the divorce and now, she feels like she’s where she’s supposed to be. Scott was right, she gained more than she risked by admitting to needing and wanting him. They’re going out to dinner tomorrow to celebrate the year they spent together and she’s happy. They’re happy. It’s equally big and simple. 

She starts to massage Scott’s back a little bit, thinking how much she loves this part of him, so strong and soft. After a little while, he turns his head to look at her. He’s still asleep, she can tell, but he smiles when he sees her before closing his eyes again. She smiles back without thinking about it and she’s hit with a good thought: she’s not trying to sabotage this. She’s here and she’s not fighting against it. Scott is obviously thinking about moving towards a life shared together and she’s right there with him. She’s not screwed up. She’s not this scared little animal he had to deal with at the beginning of their twenties. She’s growing up with him and she’s not ruining her own happiness. It’s easy to find sleep after realizing that, wiggling her way under the covers, careful not to disturb Scott, placing his head on the pillow before wrapping her arms around him from behind, letting him be the little spoon like she knows he loves sometimes. 

12 years before 

“It’s my birthday how am I the one paying for everything?”

They’re sitting in a corner booth in one of the three bars in Ilderton where the barman likes to pretend he really thinks Scott has been 18 years old for at least a year and Tessa isn’t drinking half of what he orders. 

“Well, you just said it, it’s YOUR birthday. Your legal and I’m not so you have to order and pay for everything. It’s not my fault, it’s the law.” 

“I knew celebrating my 18th birthday alone with you was a mistake, I should have invited some legal friends.” 

She looks away from him, a mix of humiliation and hurt going through her at an alarming rate. She was stupid for thinking he would want to spend this day with his two years younger, not even legal best friend. She should have thought of inviting his new girlfriend and his best buddies. She’s just starting to feel relax around him again after going trough a horrible teenage crush phase where she just wasn’t able to act normally, making her the most awkward creature on earth. She’s more confident now, she's almost done with high school, she met new people, she lost the virginity she was kind of holding for him and she’s coming into her own. But sometimes, like now, she’s reminded that he’s just so much cooler than her. 

“Hey T, it was a joke, relax.” He touches her elbow to make her look at him, but she’s still unable to do so. 

“No, you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Our tradition was not going to hold up forever, we should go meet up with your friends. Or, YOU should go meet them, maybe you don’t want me there, I get it.”

“I’m not going anywhere and don’t hurt my feelings by insulting our tradition that will certainly hold up until we’re eighty, excuse you.” She smiles when he nudges her shoulder and he adds, probably because she’s still not looking at him. “And I want you everywhere Tess, don’t ever think otherwise. Do I make you feel that way?”

“You don’t, I’m sorry. I’ve been so sensitive lately, I don’t know why. We haven’t seen each other as much as usual since you left for college and I guess I’m feeling kind of insecure. I wonder sometimes if we were hanging out every night only because I was living next door.”

“You don’t mean that.” 

“No, I don’t, I know it’s not true, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes. We’re growing up, it’s never going to be the same and I find that hard to accept.” She’s not shy of admitting that to him because they’ve never been afraid of going for the hard conversations. She may be in a phase where she doubts herself and them more than usual, but she never doubts his profoundly good nature. 

“Don’t be nostalgic of something that is still here Tess. I get what you’re saying but I strongly disagree. You’ll see, it’s only getting better from here. I’m going to finish school, get an apartment, start teaching and then you’re going to get your apartment right next to mine and we’re going to hang out every night. Except when you’re going to be traveling the world for work while I get to water your plants.” 

“You’ve been watching Friends too much.”

“Okay, maybe not RIGHT next to mine, but close enough so I can bring you coffee in the morning and cook for you at night.”

“Your wife and kids sure will appreciate that.” 

“Maybe I won’t get a wife. Maybe I’ll dedicate my life to feeding you.”

“Scott Moir being celibate for more than a day? That’s going to be interesting.”

“Hey. I’ve been celibate for more than a day! Don’t be mean, it’s my night.”

“The last time was when you were thirteen. I literally don’t remember you without a girlfriend.”

“Well, that doesn’t mean I’m getting married anytime soon.” The four shots they ordered arrive before she can reply that he will most definitely be married to lucky wife number one before he’s 25. 

“Okay T, truth or dare?”

“Do I have to? I feel like we’re getting too old for this.”

“Yes, of course we have to, it’s the tradition.”

“You started this game last year, it’s not part of the real tradition!”

“Yes, it’s the adult version of it. Come on, truth or dare?”

“Truth. And don’t think you’re getting 18 of those, I’m only playing once.”

“No, no. I’m 18 so I get 18. And I won’t go easy on you, I have the vivid memory of you forcing me to go ask Tiffany Johnson out on a date without using any words on the night of your birthday last year. Okay, truth. Let me think about a good one.” 

They take their first shot in silence while he contemplates what to ask her. She should be nervous, but she’s not. If she’s honest with herself, there’s not really a thing she wouldn’t tell him. He already knows so much about her, it must be difficult for him to find something to ask. Sure, there’s this whole being in love with him thing she’s trying to hide from him, but she never had trouble lying about that. She cares about their friendship too much to tell him the real truth. It would be cheating if she lied, but who really tells the truth during this silly game? And she knows him too well to ever kid herself into thinking he might feel the same. He tells her about girls,about dirty thoughts, he’s always been an open book and even though she never really doubted his love for her, she just knows the type of girls he wants. And it’s not her. It’s also fine with her because that way, she might get to really keep him in her life forever. She believes him when he tells her he will always be there, making her dinner, living nearby. If they were in a romantic relationship, she just wouldn’t be able to trust him that way. She knows herself almost as much as she knows him, and her closed heart wouldn’t be a good match to his big, generous, opened one. 

She always was kind of hard to get close to, but her parent’s divorce just made it worst. Seeing her dad find a younger woman so soon after leaving her mom was heartbreaking and it changed her. She doesn’t know why she took it that hard, she’s not a little kid anymore, but it just changed the way she looked at relationships. She could never afford to lose Scott the way her mother lost her father. Even though she’s dying to find out what it feels like to kiss him and touch him and be intimate with him, she would never risk losing him as her person. And he knows all this. He knows what not to ask. She’s certain he wouldn’t push her. She has total confidence in his ability to read her. He knows where the line is and when to cross it. He helps her getting over herself and challenges her, but he would never ask too much of her or purposely make her uncomfortable. She was lucky enough to have the best little boy in the world as her neighbour and somehow, he’s here, drinking with her and still choosing her. 

“Got it.” He has a cocky smile on his face. 

“You’re too proud of yourself, it’s not going to be that good.” 

“Oh no. It is. Last month, when we went to that lame movie you wanted to see. Did you masturbate when you went to bed after?” She blushes immediately, but it’s not because he brought up the subject of masturbation – they talked about that a million times together. No, it’s because somehow, he’s right on the money. She did masturbate that night and she doesn’t know why it was that obvious to him. 

“Why would you ask that? There were literally no sex scenes in the movie.”

“You don’t get to ask questions, just answer the truth.” 

“Yes, I did.” 

“I knew it!”

“But how?” 

“I know you, Tessa Virtue.” He drowns his second shot and she follows him. “Truth or dare?” 

“Dare.” 

“I dare you to say yes if I ever ask you to marry me.” They start to laugh hysterically because that dare is a reference to her little cousin who gave Jordan the same one when they played at Christmas two years ago. Of course, all the older teenagers had made fun of him for proposing to his almost 10 years older cousin, and it had become a running joke with her family and Scott. It was also the last time any cousins under the age of fifteen were allowed to play. 

“You just lost a turn, Moir. This count as your second truth or dare, only sixteen to go for me.” She waves to the waitress to order their second round of shots. 

“Yes, it does count, but be careful, now I can ask you anytime and you have to say yes.”

“Please, don’t be dumb enough to remember this and ask me when I’m eighty.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I won’t wait that long.” She laughs because it’s what she’s supposed to do, but she knows she’s going to wonder about this. Just another thing to put in the little box she reserves for Scott in her head. 

They keep drinking for a while, Scott gets through his sixteen remaining Truth or dare, and she gives him her gift. It’s a book about gender neutral education he’s been wanting to read before becoming a teacher and she signed it for him. He has a soft smile while reading her note and she doesn’t regret giving him a less expensive but more meaningful gift. He’s the best person to appreciate it. 

Later, just before she enters her home after he insisted on walking her, he blurs the line a little bit more before hugging her goodnight. 

“Just so you know, last month, after the movie, I masturbated too. Probably for the same reasons as you.” 

The reasons why she masturbated that night weren’t even clear to herself. She didn’t really think about it before she started. She just felt like she needed it after their evening. Just the way he had been so happy to see her when he picked her up. The way he held her by the waist, the way he whispered in her ear during the movie, the way he smiled at her. Everything was like it always was between them, just more intense. He was everywhere around her, filling all the space and being so present, so attentive. She just felt so loved and when she got home she needed to pretend for a little bit longer. Pretend they went home together and she got to be loved like that in her bed too. Did he sense it too? Did he feel their connection as deeply as she did that night? It wouldn’t be surprising, Scott being a lot more sensitive than her. 

That’s a lot to unpack and her head is already spinning because of the shots. 

“Okay. Good to know. I mean, not good, just interesting. Not interesting as in interesting, just a fun fact I guess.”

“Goodnight Tess.” 

The next few years are going to be weird. 

Almost two years before 

It’s the perfect proposal. It’s filled with so much love, so much thoughtfulness, she wants to cry. The timing is bad, terribly wrong, but the gesture makes her want to cave. She’s almost tempted to say yes and forget about her resolve to end their relationship. It’s been two weeks of absolute hell for her, and confusion for him. He has been trying to make her talk, to understand why she’s been feeling so blue and now, with him standing in front of her asking her to marry him, she realizes that even though he noticed her bad mood, he never thought for one second that it was about him or them. He still feels confident in the life they were building together before she mentally checked out two weeks ago. He thinks the proposal is going to cheer her up. He would never have done it if he thought her funk was as serious as it is. He’s way too considerate a person to do that. He would have tried to talk even more, to understand, he wouldn’t have spurred an engagement on her if he knew how badly she felt inside. He’s asking because he thinks she’s going to laugh and get over herself. He’s that sure of them. He doesn’t have a doubt about what her answer is going to be. 

“I dare you to honour the dare I gave you when I turned eighteen. “ 

He knows her so well. He didn’t get on one knee, he didn’t use any of the typical words someone would use during an engagement speech. It’s a once in a lifetime event. Nobody is ever going to ask her to marry them that way ever again. Nobody is ever going to be this close to her. It’s now or never. He doesn’t know she’s been closing her heart to him for the past weeks. She can still save them from herself, she can pretend, she can say yes, she can heal her pain without telling him anything. She doesn’t have to push him away and she almost doesn’t do it. 

“I can’t.” The face he makes is inexplicable. 

“You know I meant to ask you to marry me just now, right?” 

“Yes. But, no. I can’t marry you.” He seems to think she’s teasing him for a while, but the problem with knowing each other as well as they do is that she doesn’t have to say much more. She doesn’t have to say the whole it’s not you it’s me thing. He just reads it in her eyes. She won’t marry him. And it’s over. 

Of course, they’re going to talk more about it and it’s not going to be over right this second. They’re going to make love one last time, they’re going to pack all their belongings and move out, he’s going to try and change her mind, she’s going to have to explain and truly break his heart to make him see how over they are. All their respective family members are going to speak with her and try to understand, but for now, she doesn’t say a word and neither does he. She walks away and goes to the bathroom where she looks at herself in the mirror. She doesn’t even cry. The crying is also going to come later. She looks at herself and she thinks about how cold she is. How easy for her it was to pull herself out of her own happiness. She was a fool for thinking she could pretend to have a normal relationship. She’s obviously broken and she’s doing him a favour. If what she witnessed two weeks ago was enough to make her feel this way, to make her say no, then they wouldn’t have made it work anyway. 

She can’t stay. She has to be as far from him as possible. She won’t be able to see him this hurt because of her. She’s sad, but she’s also furious with him. She doesn’t want to be, but she is. It’s a mess in her head. A mixture of guilt, heartache and the worst feeling of betrayal she’s ever felt in her life. She has to go. Move away and rebuilt. 

Of course, when the months are going to past and he’ll be far and happy with someone else she won’t be as mad as she is now. She’ll just be miserable and it’s going to be hard to remember why she couldn’t get over herself. Why talking and understanding and forgiveness were so inaccessible to her. She’ll be mad at herself more than him by then and at some point, she’ll have to try and make things right. Talking and understanding and forgiveness always came easier to him, so she’ll have to reach out and hope for everything she couldn’t give.


	5. The core of it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I don't update now, then when?

Tomorrow 

The worst part about finally talking is definitely the bittersweet feeling that if she would have just confronted Scott two years ago instead of running away, they probably would be married and happy by now. 

She’s hangover and pathetic, but nothing physically hurts as much as her regrets. 

Of course, he gave her all the answers and the apologies she needed. He’s that kind of person. The kind that owns up to what they do and don’t hide away from the truth. If the situation would have been reversed he wouldn’t have run. He would have given her the opportunity to talk and defend herself. 

So, that’s how it ends. With no possibilities of going back in time. If they would have talked two years ago, they would have been able to salvage their relationship, but it’s just too late now. It’s not only because he’s with someone else and she waited too long to call, it’s also because by not given him the chance to explain, by not forgiving him, by lying to him after, she betrayed him more than he ever did. She’s not even sure if she’s glad she called. She’s going to just let him be now. She’s done enough. 

She’s laying in the sun when she realizes someone’s knocking insistently at her backyard door. When she goes to open it, she sees him, and it might be the most surprised she’s ever been. She did tell him she would be waiting for him. At the end of her phone call, she told him she was tired of being unhappy. Tired of fighting against herself. She was sorry, and she would wait. Just in case he could find it in him to give her a second chance. To mend what they broke. 

“I know you’re all moved on. But I can’t not say it. I love you Scott. I’m sorry. You’re the only person I could have built a life with. I know that now. You don’t have to respond, not now, not ever, but just know I’ll be waiting this time. I’m not going anywhere. Well, I’m going back to New York in two days, but you get what I mean. I’ll be waiting even in New York. So, if you ever decide to come back to me, just know you can and I’ll be there. I love you. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that. It was never about love. Not for a single second. It was about me and a betrayal I thought I just couldn’t take coming from you. But I could. I can. I’m able to forgive, I just didn’t know it back then. I should have talked with you, I know that now. I’m sorry. And if you give me a chance, I could show you just how much, I promise.” 

For a split second, before she breaks down in tears, she thinks he’s here to give her the chance she asked for. Of course, that’s not it and he shuts her hopes up quickly, but for one glorious second, she imagines it. Him coming here, telling her they lost enough time before kissing her and bringing her back home. But this is not a movie, it’s her life and you can’t put back together a relationship that’s been broken for two years only by picking up the phone. It just doesn’t work that way and seeing him makes her comprehend just how much she was a fool for thinking an apology was all they needed. Even if they would decide to give it another try it just wouldn’t work. They would never be able to go back to the easiness of what they had. They would never trust each other like that again, they would never go back to a place of contentment and calm, they‘re stuck here. In this place filled with storm and resentment. That was never what they were about. They were not a fiery couple, they were two people who laughed and touched softly and smiled and made love and talked. You can’t go back to that place once you’ve abandoned it. 

“I came to finish our conversation in person because I would like to live the next fifty years without you calling me half-drunk at midnight to ruin the life I’m trying to make for myself.” 

He’s here to have the final talk. To tell her in person how she ruined him and them. She deserves it, but it makes her cry harder. He’s still holding her in his arms and she feels him apply more pressure on her back. He could never stand seeing her cry. She takes a step back to gather herself and put on her brave face. She should be able to have this talk like an adult. 

“You want to come in?” 

“Yes. Please.”

She starts walking towards the cottage and he blindsides her by taking her hand in his. They walk like this together until they are both sitting on the high stool chairs facing the kitchen counter. 

They’re here. What now.

The infamous two weeks before the proposal

That morning, they joked about marriage and she’s still kind of giddy about it. She thinks it might be coming and she’s also thinking about doing it herself. She would love to see the surprise in his eyes, the smile he would give her, the temporarily shift in their relationship where she would be the open and vulnerable one and he would hold her faith in his hand. She would love to give him this opportunity, to give him the moment where you’re shown just exactly how much the other person loves you and wants you in their lives. But at the same time, she’s still her and she’s not sure she’ll be able to gather the courage before he does it himself. They’re so there, it’s coming for sure, it’s a question of days rather than weeks. 

They’re on the road going to her aunts for a family dinner and she’s glad she gets to have him by her side. She hasn’t really seen or talked to her dad since the divorce and she’s been going back and forth about going for the last few weeks. Jordan and Scott convinced her, being the rational and loving souls they are and she got over herself to try. Scott was particularly convincing, telling her how her parents’ divorce doesn’t really concern her, insisting on the fact that she’s going to regret destroying her relationship with her dad eventually, especially when he gets older, making her think about their future children and how they deserve to know their grand-father. And he’s right. She felt abandoned in the divorce, but her father didn’t really leave his kids behind, he just broke her mother’s heart. It hurts, and she’ll never be completely over it, but her father at least deserves for her to be open to talk. 

Scott’s holding her hand over the console and it grounds her. She’s still dreading everything, but she knows what a good buffer Scott would be. He always got along great with her father and he was almost as sad as her when their relationship went down the drain. She remembers him holding her in her bed, stroking her hair while she cried for what felt like days. He never got impatient, never tried to play the devil’s advocate, never defended her father, never tried to show her the other side of the situation, he was just there. Crying with her, suffering with her, healing with her. They weren’t even a couple, but she already felt like the most loved person in the world. She vividly remembers feeling like losing her father was a little less tragic since she had Scott by her side. And now, sitting in the car together, going to see her father for the first time in years, she feels like they’re still there, healing together, always side by side, a team ready to conquer the world. 

Tonight

He’s breathing heavily on the other side of the line. She just said it. I’m tired of being unhappy. 

“Well are you going to tell me why then ? ”

“Why what? ” 

“You know what. Why you put me through hell for the past two years? Why you said no if you regret it now?”

“Oh. Well, I had slept with that guy and I didn’t think you would ever forgive me so…”

He cuts her off with a humorless laugh.

“You don’t really think I ever believed you slept with someone else, right?”

“What do you mean? Of course I slept with him, Tom saw me at the bar with him. You told me so yourself.” 

“Yeah, what I know is you went through a lot of effort to make me believe you slept with him. But I know you Tessa. I never believed you. Not for one second. I know you kissed him in the bar, but I also know you were trying to sabotage us. You never went home with him or my name is not Scott Moir.”

“You knew? Why did you let me go then? You stopped fighting the break-up after that.” She feels like the most stupid person in the world for thinking she could lie to him about something this important. 

“I figured that was what you wanted me to do. If you were trying this hard to make me push you away, I figured I’d better let you go. You were trying to make me understand how much you didn’t love me anymore. I know I’m not the smartest guy in the world but it wasn’t that hard to see what you were trying to do.” 

She can picture him shrugging and putting his free hand in his pocket. She wants to run to him and hold him. 

“It wasn’t that Scott.” 

“Well what was it then? I’m asking you. Here’s your chance. » 

“It’s true. I didn’t sleep with him. I kissed him at the bar, flirted with him in front of Tom, made sure he saw us leave together and ran home as soon as I stepped outside. I felt sick just pretending.” 

“Yes. I know all that. Get to the point of the story I don’t know. Tell me how you fell out of love and didn’t know how to just end it. You were so miserable before the proposal. You think I didn’t see it?” 

“I heard you. That night” 

“What are you talking about?”

“The family reunion. I heard you” 

“Again, what are you talking about?” 

“I heard you talking with my father.” 

Her revelation is met with a defining silence. She’s not surprised, she knew she was dropping a bomb before saying it. She didn’t think about it before she called, she hadn’t plan to say it, but now that it’s out she feels free. She’s on the verge of laughing hysterically if he doesn’t say something soon. 

“Tess…” 

“Yes, well there was no getting over that on my end and I was afraid that if I confronted you about it you would say all the right things and make me stay. I didn’t want that. I was so mad, I felt so betrayed. I needed to go. I didn’t want to forgive you, so I thought if I just hurt you enough maybe you would let me go. And you did.” 

“I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry, Tess.” 

“It’s fine, I’m over it.” 

“No, I don’t want to sweep in under the rug, I want to talk about it. I’m so very sorry. I was a kid, Tess. I didn’t know how to handle it and the more time past the less I knew how to tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you.” 

“Like I said, it’s fine

“You should have stayed, we could have got past this, together. It’s so unfair what you did. I spent two years wondering if all we had was fake, if I dreamed it. I loved you since I was 12 years old and you made me doubt everything about our relationship. You wanted me to believe you were sleeping with someone else. God, Tess that’s so messed up. It’s not fair. I was a kid when I did it, you were a grown adult." 

She doesn't know what to say. He's right of course. It's him who speaks again first. 

"You can be glad, you did hurt me enough for me to let go.” 

Tomorrow 

He’s here. Sitting on one of her high stools. He’s here and he’s real. She has a million questions to ask him but she settles on offering him something to drink. He tells her she looks like she needs a cup of coffee. She laughs, pretends to be insulted. He smiles and tells her she just looks tired. She’s a bit hangover. He giggles before telling her he figured that much when she called him. They both start speaking at the same time, wanting to say that a night with Jordan on Canada Day is obviously one where she’ll drink too much. They smile at each other again. He asks about Jordan, she starts making coffee, he tells her about his brothers and suddenly, everything feels nice. Not right, not fixed, but good. She sits next to him and she’s ready to put up a fight. For him, for them and what they still could be.


End file.
